I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
