My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
