You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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