My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
that may or may not have been my penis.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
