I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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