There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
