a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
