I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
