just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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