I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We were destined to go to rehab together
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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