So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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