Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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