You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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