i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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