I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
