Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
