Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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