like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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