my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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