friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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