I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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