I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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