You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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