i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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