Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
