probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
