So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you would pick up someone in the library
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize