Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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