he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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