Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i out mim tonsoeep
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
