My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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