My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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