He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
