I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
