I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
