You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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