God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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