I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
