I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's blow job season.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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