I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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