Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just high enough for therapy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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