tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I AM VODKA MAN
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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