cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize