Please, let me fuck your mom
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
