You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I wish there were birth control emojis
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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