I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
