I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
