I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
