Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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