I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
