Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
