By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
