I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
