I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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