I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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