i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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