Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
