DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
NoShamevember. You game?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
